So, I used to think of myself as a pretty positive person. Seeing the good in a bad situation. Well, that seems like so long ago. I think it was back when I was employed. I think being employed gave me a purpose I was used to, made me feel good to be contributing.

Now I just feel stupid. Stupid for getting a degree in a field I don't always feel very confident in. Stupid for some of the things I have and have not done. I have had good friends (or Friend) through the years. But I always seem to be wanting more (just a bit). Everyone else seems to have their shit together. I know that is just what it seems and that everyone has their problems but I can't help but dwell on everyone's wonderful success and what seems to be my many pitfalls.

To top it off my in laws have been making my blood boil. I want to just move to get away from them. But with that makes me happy they aren't my biological family and sad for Jon that they are his. With all the complaining and heart ache I have felt with my own family, it makes me greatful to have them.

I know what my problems are and I know how to fix them.

Stop comparing myself to others
Stop reflecting on my past and my mistakes and just look to making a worth while future.
Get back to being positive.

So, I am going to start now.

I grew up in a good family
I graduated high school and college
If I have had only one GOOD friend, better that than none at all.
I am a good/caring person. I may be a bitch sometimes, but I mostly have good intentions.
I am in pretty good health
I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders
I have been loved more than many
I have a hard working husband that tries the best he knows to take care of us
I have truly the best son in the world.
I may not be contributing financially right now to our family, but I am shaping a hopefully good little boy for the world to get to know. Better me then a daycare.

Stylin and Profilin

Brightest Color

So, he is the new love of my life, but not so sure if he is the brightest crayon in the box. The other day little Owen was laying in his bassinet crying. No big deal. But then he started more like screaming. So, I checked on him and he had ahold of his hair and was pulling it. It took a good effort on my part to get him to free himself.

It was sweet and memorable. If only I had a camera.

1st Dip

Well we went to the swimming pool today. It is an indoor pool. So, we didn't have to worry about the sun. The air was so Hot. The water was pretty cold.
He enjoyed it. He was nice and calm until it was just too cold for him. We met Meredith there and little Connor showed me a good view of what Owen will be like in a little over a year.

new pictures

He may be ready but I am not

So, last night me and Owen got up to eat. Owen fell asleep only after1 oz. And normally as soon as I lay him down and if he hasn't eaten enough he would wake right up. So, I decided to lay him in his crib while I went to the bathroom. This is the first time he had been in his crib because he sleeps in the bassinet next to our bed. Well, he didn't wake up, he kept on sleeping. That has never happened before. I didn't want to pick him up and move him to the bassinet because I was sure he would wake up. And since my bed was calling my name, I set up the baby monitor and headed to bed.

I told Jon once I got into bed that he was in his crib. And he said "Noooo" "can you hear him?" I told him I set up the monitor. And he was back to sleep. But I couldn't get back to sleep. I just felt sad that he was so far away. And I couldn't pick my head up to see if he was ok after every peep. To make sure he hadn't spit up and make sure he was still breathing. So, I spent most of the hour laying and watching the lights on the monitor for each coo he made.

I decided after that, that I am just not ready for him to be off on his own in his room. Boy, if I have a hard time leaving him in his crib, I can't even imagine how hard it will be to send him off to his first day of kindergarden. And what about college?

Pictures from 4th of July

We spent the day with Jon's family. Everyone loved Owen of course. And he was good of course.

Here are some pictures.