Zombie is I

So, I don't know why I do this to myself. Ben was out of my life, but of course my first and strongest emotion is try to "fix" it. So I bring him back just to come over every other weekend. But that just doesn't work out. Whenever he is over I am stressed and depressed, and I have tried to change it. And I don't know why I feel and act the way I do. I am miserable. So, again I told Michael I can't do this anymore. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of putting Ben through this.

And I know that Michael will not let me have another chance (rightfully so, and I think that is the best). I know my heart will ache to try again once I forget why I did this in the first place. And I don't know if I will ever forgive myself or ever know if it is for the best. I feel like a horrible person but at the same time feel its for the best.

I don't know how or if I can tell my mom. I really feel like I can't even talk to her and feel like I should shut her out. I don't want to but at the same time I feel I need to.

This has been such a hard 2 years af my life. And the last 6 months have been the most emotional I think I have ever had. Which is sad because it is over shadowing the love I have for Jon. And that's not right.

I just want to run away with Jon and never look back.

I feel as if I am in a trance. I feel as if I need drugs to function or as if I am on drugs. I don't want to feel like this, and WILL NOT feel like this for long. Because this is a horrible feeling and I will not get sucked into such detrimental life habit.

I want to be that happy/strong person that I and my mother was so proud of.