Cinco de Mayo

So, tonight I actually suggested going out to eat. My husband was shocked. And not only that I suggested Mexican, to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, great celebration when I can't even drink. So, we went on our way, and drove by numerous places that were just packed. (duh!!! its CINCO DE MAYO). We drove all around town and eventually made a huge circle and ended where we started.

So, we had to wait for about 20 minutes. But at the end of the wait this country (drunk) woman came in and gave us and everyone else some good laughs. We eventually got sat and it did take forever to get service.

But Jon and I had a conversation that was small in nature but was very special to me.

I don't know how it started. But Jon began talking about his ex (yes you are probably thinking how can a conversation started about an ex turn into a conversation that is special to you). He then talked about her daughter and how the relationship turned was more about the child than the ex. And then he said well you know how that is. Referring to Ben.

Pretty close to this time last year I had to make the hardest decision about stepping out of Ben's life. Because it was too stressful for everyone and all the stress just made me angry when I was with Ben and I didn't want Ben to remember me in that way. And I just knew it would never be ok, because I would never have any rights and it would always be a fight. Well, the past year has been very difficult for me. Getting married without Ben. Halloween, Thanksgiving, his birthday and especially Christmas were especially difficult. While Jon was as supportive as he can be, it was something that I felt that he just didn't understand. So, I wouldn't talk to him about how I was feeling.

But he asked me this night if I felt like I made the right decision. I told him that I think it was the right thing to do but I still miss him and still hope that someday somehow I would be able to see him. But that I didn't feel that that was something that could happen anytime soon. I wanted to make sure his life and his dad's life is settled.

That is about all that the conversation consisted of but Jon did seem to care and understand, which I know which is something he should and not saying he never did. I just was always afraid he didn't.








I will always love you Ben.

I think I am done...

Last night was the last straw. Michael and I got in yet another "text" message fight that actually turned into a phone call. It all started when Lauren called me to try and get a hold of Michael. And after words with him I realized that I will never be able to adopt Ben and that Lauren will never be completely out of the picture. I had to deal with her when I was married to him but I'll be damned if I have to deal with her craziness now.

Some other things were said and done through out the night that I would rather keep out of the internet world but as of right now I am no longer in Ben's life and I am heart broken. I don't know what will come in the following weeks, but I can't take anymore of this.