Something you may not have known

I come from a very small family. And my family has been the cause of much of my sadness. I grew up with both my biological mother and father living under the same roof. But most of my memories they never really seemed "together". My mom is my rock. I love her more than anything. But my mom has weight and health issues, that has made her not be in my life as much as her and I would like. My father was always in the house but I never really felt he was there. He is or at least was a very negative person. He can deal with newborns and adults, but not in between. Watching old family movies of when I was younger than 8, he really seems like a good guy and I wish I remembered those things. And my relationship with him is definitely better now that I am an adult and better with me than anyone else in the family. So, that is a plus.

My mothers parents had both passed by the time she was 21 and she became estrained from her only sister. My father is from Germany so his entire family is an ocean away and I have only met a few of them once. My mother's aunt and uncle, adopted me and my brother as their grandkids, but I have also not seem them in over 10 years and rarely talk to them, that it doesn't really feel like family.

I have a brother that is 19 now. But very immature. I blame most of it on the way my father was a father. And my mom tried (tries) to do her best, but he is just not someone you can get close with. At least not yet.

I have a half sister, who is so much older than me she could almost be my mother. We are very different. And while she is a good person and we have never bickered. We have never been very close and seem to be moving in even further directions.

I had a half brother, that passed away about 2 years ago. But after he did some stupid things when he was a teenager, when I was young, he was estrained from the family. He did end up on the right path. And at one point was married to a woman that had MS (the same disease my mom has) and stayed by her side until she passed away. I wish he had lived closer, because I really think we could have been close.

And that is it. 2 parents in all their glory. 2 living siblings that I don't communicate with. And 0 grandparents or Aunts/Uncles or Cousins.

I get depressed often about my lack of family but I try to remember that some people grow up with horrible parents that do horrible things. And some grow up on the streets or in foster homes and have no family at all.

With me growing older, I have noticed how much your parents really shape you into who you are. Whether how they raised you had a direct or indirect affect, it has an effect.

My parents are very anti-social. Which in turn, made me incredibly shy. I have made a big improvement but it is something I have to make a conscious effort on. I become very uncomfortable in family situations. With my husband's family, I just sit quietly as they relive all the memories they have had and I become very overwhelmed when they have family get togethers with all the different twist and turns the limbs of their family tree takes.

So, while I want to teach my children the same values I have learned: manners, respect, responsibilty, humility, kindness, the value of hard work and the worth of a dollar. I also want to instill somethings I feel I missed out on: socialization, adventure, a passion for many things and new things. But most importantly to value the family you have, something I obviously still need to work on.