Thankfully Christmas is over

So Christmas was pretty hard for me this year and I am going to keep this short and sweet.

First year of an adult christmas and no children to make the holidays special with.
First Christmas without Ben. It was tough and I secretly cried to myself throughout the day.
Finding out that my sister has dinner with us on Christmas eve and saves Christmas Day for my ex-husband!

Merry FUCKING ho ho!!!

But the rest of the day I tried to make the best of it with the person I love, and the rest of the day with families went surprisingly well (for the most part).

Christmas Eve

So, today we went to my sister house to have dinner. Everything went fine. We tried to listen the babies Heart beat with my sister's stethoscope. We could catch it every once and awhile. It was a little to early to be heard by a stethoscope though.

Candy man

So Jon and I went to my mom's to make candy and gingerbread houses. Jon was hesitant to go. But my mom and I knew he would be all into once he got started. And look at the picture. What do you think?

Entering the real world of "mommies"

I have been in a lot of mom groups, and people may find that hard to believe since I am expecting my 1st in June but its true. And while I love the idea about getting support, letting off steam, meeting new people and everything else that goes along with them. They are so difficult sometimes.
Seeing the same post after same post. I can no longer be supportive for fear I will just say something that is more nicely sarcastic but will just sound bitchy. And I can see even in these early stages how its all a compitition.
Now its, I am already showing, I already registered, I felt it move at 4weeks, and "heard the HB at 5weeks by putting my own ear to my tummy" (please someone explain to me how that is physically possible?) my son's penis is so big we could see it at 6 weeks.
And then it will turn into, my baby smiled, my baby is potty trained at 6 months, by baby can run at 9months, my baby can read at 2. and on and on.
And "room moms" feel like they have to stop something before it starts so its like no one can be in disagreement. And if you are in disagreement, then you should just skip the post and not voice your opinion.
Just because I voice a different opinion doesn't mean that I (or they) are right or wrong. We are just different. But the differences don't have to be silenced. A debate can go on without it having to be nasty. But some can't let it just be a healthy debate, and others can't let it become a debate at all.
So like all the other boards I have been on they start are great, then the disagreements, then the drama, then nastyness, the hurt feelings, and slowly people just drift away.

14 weeks

So I went to the doctor today. Everything went fine and quick. Midwife came in went over my clean bloodwork. Listened to the HeartBeat. She said it was between 150 and 160.
According to the old Wives Tale. That means girl. But we will see on Jan 20th. I am not buying anything pink yet.

Tomorrow marks 14 weeks

And I am going to the doctor to hopefully hear the heart beat. And if all goes well, that means the chances of making it full term are much greater. So my fingers are crossed. I think everything is going fine, I am not too worried.

Bagel Bites and Milk

Just want to give my new husband props.
We were at the grocery store getting something for dinner and I looked at Jon and told him I was craving some bagel bites, he looked at me like I was crazy. But they didn't have any. Oh well.

Well two days later we were at Walmart doing our big shopping, we had gotten separated. I had been in the bread isle and met him in the frozen food. While walking by the french fries towards him something caught my eye to remember the bagel bites, and as I was opening my mouth to tell him about it. He said "I got you bagel bites". I was taken away once again by how much we read each others minds.

Well about a week later we had both just gotten home from work and I made a comment to him about how he could to the store at 3am in the morning to get milk before he had to go out of town. I said this in a kidding way, with no intentions of him really doing this. So much so that I had went to bed knowing I would get up a little early, go to the store, and get milk and a few other things. And that is what I did. And when I get home I put the milk in the fridge right next to the other gallon of milk Jon had gotten that morning.

I love my bagel bite/milk gettin man.

over-filled with love

So,
I am looking through the wedding photos, and came up with a
way to alter 2 into 1. And came across our faces.













All I see is love and don't believe love like that can be faked. When I am depressed and angry let me remember this day and these faces.

mushroom

I went to the midwife on Wed. for all the typical first visit tests. And then they decided to send me to get an ultra sound to find out exactly how far along I am.

I am 9weeks and 1day. Estimated Due Date June 18. I think he or she looks like the mushroom toad off of mario brothers. But it's sooooo cute! Only 7 months to go!

That didn't take long

Well,
I am finally ready to write (type) it down. I am pregnant. I found out 1month and 1day after our wedding (Tuesday October 14). We were not trying but I wasn't my usual catious self. I ended up going to the doctor to make sure what I thought was a cold wasn't something more serious. Well, it was just a cold, but I also found out that there is the organism forming inside of me.

I had to wait all day to tell Jon. And after I did tell him, and a few big deep breathes. He FAINTED.

We have been slightly emotional dealing with unbelievable insurance problems (more like misses or mistakes)

Well, that makes me around 7 weeks, and I can't imagine 7-8 more months. I have been trying to stay calm, not let any stress in my life, get a lot of sleep, not think about all the things that could go wrong.

I only have had morning sickness once. And that was at night after I took my prenatal without any food. Otherwise, I am just now seeming to be really tired. And my stomach def. feels different. Like I can't eat, but need to eat, or don't want to eat, or I am starving. But I will take that over throwing up and nausua anyday.

Everyone is excited for us. I always thought I would want to find out the sex till the baby was delivered. But I already feel like I want to know. So, we will probably find out.

With my first marriage we discussed having kids, and because my ex had only boys in the family I desperately wanted a girl. To the point I may have been depressed if I had a boy.

Well now, I would be happy with either (almost prefer a boy) I just want "it" to be perfect.

I know Jon will make an awesome Daddy, and can't wait to see him in action.


more to come I am sure.

He married me...

Well, we did it.

And the wedding was Beautiful. The only thing I would have changed was to have it 30 mins to an hour earlier because we ran out of day light.

We got hitched on the white sands of Grayton Beach. And it turned out perfect. I had to worry for 2 weeks about Hurricane Gustav, Hannah and Ike. But they all missed the area and it didn't rain once during our stay there. My dad ended up coming and walked me down the aisle. I rememeber walking down the boardwalk and smiling down at Jon, and telling myself to look down to make sure not to trip.

The officiant was very good but I was so wrapped up in the moment I don't remember much of what he said. I just kept looking at Jon, looking around at the beautiful scenery and thinking I can't believe it's here and it's perfect.

The months leading up to the wedding were emotional due to family issues, the weeks leading were stressful due to the unknowing weather, the days leading were fun and slightly drama filled, the hours leading were relaxed and slightly blank. While I was slightly concerned because I didn't feel all that excited, I knew it was probably because for 9 months I was an emotional wreck and knew it was almost over. My lack of excitement was eased by the fact that I was in no way nervous and did not have one ounce of doubt in my whole body. The few moments before walking up to my husband to be I was elated and filled with love.

During the ceremony I was anxious for that first kiss but taking in the beauty and trying to capture as much of the surroundings and going ons for my archieves . This really has been an up and down roller coaster for me for at least 6 months, but the day turned out better than I could have ever imagined and I would go through it all over again to have such a breath-taking experience.

"White" Sand & "White Trash"

Well there was some drama on our wedding weekend, which is pretty much ok with me because it gives us stories and memories. Well the Thursday before we found out that Jon’s sister (Brittney) decided she was going to skip her classes on Monday so she could go to the wedding but had to go to a class on Thursday morning, well her mom wouldn’t wait for 2 hours for her to get out of class, so Brittney couldn’t go. That was a bummer to me.

Then Friday after Amanda and Julie (Amanda's mom) got there. We decided that we would make pizza because it would be cheaper on everyone (not wanting to go out to eat every night) Well Jon’s mom didn’t want to eat pizza, she wanted to go out to eat because this trip was her “Vacation”. So that made Jon upset, and also we decided to have a BBQ for the reception and ask his mom if we could have it at her place because the pool was nicer and they had grills next to the beach. Well when Amanda and her mom got there and while we were upstairs she said “Im not having all these people at my place” (real snotty, found out later that the realtors don’t allow parties, but that is all she had to say, and not be so bitchy about it.)

Then Don and Becky (the drunk) got there, we had pizza and everything was fine, everyone was talking with everyone. We decided after pizza to go to a dance club/bar with everyone and Amanda had bought a few bacholorette party games. We did some of them, but really wasn’t focused on it since Jon and Don were there and we really didn't think of it as a bacholorette party. Me and Amanda were just having fun with everyone. Well Becky was all about the game, and was getting all these guys to come up to me to tell them “they were a hottie” and so fourth (its part of the game) She was trying to help but she was going over board. And she was all over the bar talking to everyone, while everyone else just stayed together.

Well we ended up leaving and Amanda was the Designated Driver, and Don was in the back being obnoxious and Amanda told him to “Shut the F*** up” because she was trying to drive. Well once we got home and me and Amanda were upstairs, while Drunk Becky was talking about Amanda how “how dare she talk about Don that way to her "BF" (who she tells everyone is her fiance’) that was flirting with other woman at the bar) and Jon had to talk her down off her drunken stupper.

Saturday morning. Jon went golfing with Don (and Becky) and I went around with Amanda and her mom shopping and looking at beaches for the wedding. And Jon’s mom left his grandparents at the condo while she went shopping.

So, then the wedding, which was perfect. I didn’t hear much of what the officiant said. Just kept looking at Jon and the ocean and breathing. Being thankful it was over. Everyone was talking pictures. So everyone was standing around while we were taking pictures. Everyone knew we were having hamburgers and hot dogs at our place. As we are leaving we let everyone know we were on our way to the house (including Don and Becky). We get to the house, and realize that we need cheese and a few other side dishes because we only had chips. Jon’s family gets there, and he asks his mom to drive him to a store 2 mins away. You can tell by the way she acted she was pissed. He talked to her on the way back and he said she thought I was “different and that he made a mistake getting married”. Then they get back and he starts cooking and Don (the best man) and Becky are no where to be found.

Jon’s mom and grandparents sat outside the whole time, and I invited them in multiple times. Don and Becky finally come around after the grilling is over and we found out they went out to eat seafood supposidely because Becky had burgers at lunch that made her sick.
So, we cut the cake, and that was great and then everyone was saying it was time for the best man speech. Well, Don’s kind of country and didn’t realize he had to give one, and he was drunk. So he was really trying to just tell a story. So, other people had to fill in. One of which was a friend of mines date, that we had just met! After the toast his mom left with the grandparents. They didn’t see our first dance or watch us just being our crazy self with great pictures.

My dad stayed outside with Jon while he grilled. And dad and Betty (my dad's Girlfriend)sat there the entire time. They saw everything, we asked them if they needed anything, and they didn’t. They didn’t need to be babysat (like I felt other people needed too), they just sat there and you could tell they enjoyed watching us have fun. Amanda and her mom worked their asses off. They put stuff out, cut the cake, cleaned up, because they didn’t want me to have to do anything on my wedding night.

So, Me and Jon were NOT happy with Becky or Don after that. When we got up the next morning, Don and Becky were gone, along with Dad and Betty. So the 4 of us stayed in and played Wii. And we were about to go over to the mother in laws condo to the beach, when Don and Becky came back. And our first reaction was to invite them. But we didn’t because of the night before. We went to the lunch (and the waiter told us about this “shell island, where you could get as many shells as you want and you can go snorkeling and swim with the dolphins), after lunch we went to the beach and were able to get in the water, and we had a GREAT TIME. We then went into the pool and then decided to go to shell island. Well one thing after another we get to the area and find out that the last trip out was at 1pm. And it was 4pm. So we felt bad because we had everyone drive (in laws and Don and Becky) about an hour and we couldn’t do it.

Well in laws and Don and Becky wanted to go to this popular bar/restaurant to have dinner, and we weren’t ready so we went shopping and met up with them later. Well when we got there, they had decided not to eat there and that they were going to a sea food place. So we were pretty fed up with them and weren’t about to follow them around. So we told them that we were going to a resturaunt called margaritaville and they could come if they wanted, but we knew they wouldn’t. And Becky wanted to stay with his family. And of course his bitchy mom didn’t want them to. So she basically called Jon rude for leaving his friends with her and that she didn’t raise him to be that way.

We had a great time at margaritaville. Got back to the house where Don and Becky were already drinking. And we were about to head to the beach to go looking for crabs (with Amanda and her mom). Well Jon was outside talking to Don and Becky and I come outside and Becky said “we should go to “pondoras they have hula hoop we had a great time there yesterday” I looked at her and said “oh so you went there last night” She said “yeah we had a great time, we all should go” and looked at her with the meaness look on my face and said “I don’t think so, I can halo hoop at home” Jon looked at me and asked me to come inside to talk to him, I told him “no, that I was not his mother and I will stand right there until we were ready to go” So, we left and I was pretty upset, at the fact that Jon had to cook entirely and couldn’t be spending time with me at our reception because they were out eating and hula hoping.

So we had a good time there, and came back and asked how it went and I said it was great and “we caught crabs” it was a little mean but the same funny/sarcasism that I would say at any time.

So Me and Amanda “fell asleep on the couch” and Amanda’s mom was talking to Becky, and Becky was complaining how she doesn’t get any child support from her babies daddy (which is BS because she doesn’t work and is living off her Child support) and I got up because I finally thought this is the day after my wedding I am not going to listen to this on my wedding, and went and got Jon.

Well a long night later, come to find out that Becky is pissed because noone told Don he was supposed to give a best man speech, pissed because she wasn’t asked to be in any of the wedding pictures, how the bacholorette party was crappy and the reception wasn't planned well, then she was calling me and Amanda young and nieve and we would grow out of it sometime. And how I go over to her house and don’t talk to her and how I need to learn to communicate. And Julie (Amanda mom) told her that I don’t let just anyone in my life. There were a lot of other things said. Julie kept telling her that this isn’t the “becky show”.

Then to come to find out, Don and Becky got in a fight and Don slammed the door breaking the latch of the door and one of the slats on the blinds. We basically told them, that Monday was our day and we would be alone. They ended up leaving Monday.

Then we get home and Jon writes his mom an email, telling her how he feels. It wasn’t mean. Just that he wishes she had spent more time with us and been more socialable, and wishes she could’ve at least lied to him about how she felt about him getting married, and how we were going to spend the day with Amanda and her mom because they worked really hard the night before and that he had spent time with the others the day before and didn’t wish to be around them that day because of the reception. And we weren’t pawning them off on her.

Well she calls yelling at him “why he emailed her on her work email” and no one asked her to do anything, and no one introduced her to my dad (they didn’t see each other until the wedding), and telling him not to worry about her to worry about his new wife. And yelling and yelling and yelling. I told him to stop putting himself through that and get off the phone with her because she obviously doesn’t give a shit. Which made her mad and he told her how its always about her, her way or no way. And she began to throw it in his face that she kept him and she could’ve given him up for adoption and how she gave her life up for him and how she bailed him out of jail. And it was basically left right now as take your wife and you don’t have a mother, for right now.

So, that’s that. We obviously shouldn’t have invited anyone. But really we had a great time. Nothing that happened while we were gone would’ve been anything that we would’ve held a grudge for very long. But I feel we had a right to be upset. And I think the way the mother in law talked to my husband and made him was totally unexceptable and as one co-workers perfectly said "she should have her parent card taken away."

But I'm married and its over! :)

Monkey me

I want to remember a small glimmer of light from the darkness I felt last night.

There is this little stuffed monkey I gave Jon for Valentines day because I call him my monkey. Well from my mother I have picked up the habit to make pets and stuffed animals carry on personalities. And when I am in a silly mood I have the monkey talk to Jon. Well, he absolutely hates it (which makes me sad) but doesn't keep me from doing it. He has even taken the monkey from me and thrown it across the room. Not in a mean way, In a way as if "ok, you have annoyed me enough"

We last night while I was trying to control myself from crying hestirically with my head buried in a pillow, Jon comes to lay down next to me and brings the monkey (which I assume is to just let me hold him) but he begins to give the monkey a personality. Which meant the world to me because I know how much he hates it when I do it to him.

And even with my constant sadness, he kept going letting me know that not only does my little monkey love me, but the big monkey loves me unconditionally.

Zombie is I

So, I don't know why I do this to myself. Ben was out of my life, but of course my first and strongest emotion is try to "fix" it. So I bring him back just to come over every other weekend. But that just doesn't work out. Whenever he is over I am stressed and depressed, and I have tried to change it. And I don't know why I feel and act the way I do. I am miserable. So, again I told Michael I can't do this anymore. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of putting Ben through this.

And I know that Michael will not let me have another chance (rightfully so, and I think that is the best). I know my heart will ache to try again once I forget why I did this in the first place. And I don't know if I will ever forgive myself or ever know if it is for the best. I feel like a horrible person but at the same time feel its for the best.

I don't know how or if I can tell my mom. I really feel like I can't even talk to her and feel like I should shut her out. I don't want to but at the same time I feel I need to.

This has been such a hard 2 years af my life. And the last 6 months have been the most emotional I think I have ever had. Which is sad because it is over shadowing the love I have for Jon. And that's not right.

I just want to run away with Jon and never look back.

I feel as if I am in a trance. I feel as if I need drugs to function or as if I am on drugs. I don't want to feel like this, and WILL NOT feel like this for long. Because this is a horrible feeling and I will not get sucked into such detrimental life habit.

I want to be that happy/strong person that I and my mother was so proud of.

Adams and Jefferson

He makes me smarter and thats why I love him.

Without him I would have never known that Adams and Jefferson both died on the same 4th of July and I wouldn't have won him a beer last night at Graham.

Thanks baby for making my smart.

Aliases

I love you **Mittens**

I love you *Monkey*

I love you *Fuzzy*

I love you *Anthony*

I love you *hairy*

I love you *Baby*

I love you **Mr. Bradford**

I love you Jon!!!

What a weekend.

Went shopping with Manduh and bought stuff for the house, and rushed home for no one to come over (except Trenee', but she is more fun than most)

Its hard to make barefoot Sandals when you've been drinking.

But I had a blast hanging out with the 2 girls and taking HILARIOUS/dirty pictures. And watching the "siblings" shoot each other with BB's and fight.

I know I may not have a 100 friends, but I have a few great friends, and I wouldn't trade them in for any one else.

Econ Talk

I don't know about everyone else, but I am sick of the failing economy talk. Yes, I know. The economy SUCKS. I don't want to hear once again that the damn gas prices are going through the roof, or how food prices are too high or how global warming is getting worse or how next years crops are going to be shit.

All that talk is depressing. Its bad enough to be going through it and trying to get by but hearing about it all day long just makes it worse.

Tell me what I can do to make it better and I'll do it. But just don't tell me that it's bad, because I think we all have already gotten that memo!

HATE

Yes, hate is a strong word and I try to be like everyone else that tries not to hate people. And yes hating people does take up to much emotion, energy and life to someone(s) that obviously does not deserve your time. There have been a few in my life that came close (or possibly did cross the line) to hatred. But I have crossed way over that line now in a place I never thought I would be.

I hate you and you know why.
Everything from the past, present and even the future has now been changed.
I know I did things that hurt you and you did the same to me.
Times in the beginning weren't that bad, but I don't remember any good times. I have not a single good thing to say about you. I made a mistake by being with you, but two good things came from such a horrible mistake.

Coming away with the knowledge never to make such a horrible mistake again, and him.

He is gone, but so are you.
I had to make a hard decision to let him go, so much more than the one to free myself from you.

Yes, you made me out to be the bad guy for the decision I was forced to make. But what a stupid one you made because of green. It could've been different if you would've been different.
You're a pathetic person for ending it because of green when you should have gotten it from your problem that created him.

But instead you took us from each other without our permission. You're the last one that should be making decisions; you never have done it on your own before.

Hate is a strong word and a strong emotion and it takes up too much energy and time form my life. And you have received too much of me, so I take it back. I no longer hate you because I do not love you. And I do not love you because I never did, because if I had I would never had hated you.

SCHWABs sometimes = Sports

SCHWABs of SCHWAB segments are in my presence at work and I have SCHAWB nightmares. Nightmares about waking up to the horrible sound of SCHWABs playing and later that day reliving the same SCHWABs. Hearing about SCHWABs. Seeing SCHWABs. Being "stump"ED about SCHWABs and never understanding SCHWABs and the amount of SCHWABs consumed by the SCHWAB. Its clear to me now why it didn't work, you were all about the SCHWABs and I wanted nothing to do with your SCHWABs (or those SCHWABs)

So, I got rid of the SCHWAB and he took his SCHWABs with him. The nightmares have subsided with the release of the SCHWAB and his beloved SCHWABs. So Good-bye SCHWABs I will not be missing you.

Now I have no SCHWAB or SCHWABs in my life and I am loving the SCHWAB-FREE life.



TRANSLATION:

SCHWABs (tons) of SCHWAB (sport) segments are in my presence at work and I have SCHAWB (sport) nightmares. Nightmare about waking up to the horrible sound of SCHWABs (sport shows) playing and later that day reliving the exact same SCHWABs (sport shows). Hearing about SCHWABs (sports). Seeing SCHWABs (sports). Being "stump"ED about SCHWABs (sports) and never understanding SCHWABs (sports) and the amount of SCHWABs (sports) consumed by the SCHWAB (ex, or insert a better suiting Insult). Its clear to me now why it didn't work, you were all about the SCHWABs (sports) and I wanted nothing to do with your SCHWABs (shit) (or those SCHWABs (sports))

So, I got rid of the SCHWAB (ex, or better suiting Insult) and he took his SCHWABs (sports) with him. The nightmares have subsided with the release of the SCHWAB (ex, or better suiting insult) and his beloved SCHWABs (sports). So Good-bye SCHWABs (sports) I will not be missing you.

Now I have no SCHWAB (ex, or better suiting insult) or SCHWABs (sports) in my life and I am loving the SCHWAB-FREE life.

Blogging...

I know blogging has been around awhile. I remember asking a friend years ago "What the hell is a blog"

I know more now and I was asked by my mother recently why I put so many things on the internet (good and bad) because there are so many perverts and bad people out there that could hurt you and could come into your life, why?

And I started to think the same thing, why do I do it. Why do I put things on here, because if I put the good, I also put the bad. Because the bad reminds me to be appreciative of the good, but i don't want the bad to be held against me by someone that has no business being in my thoughts.

I had almost taken myself out of it.

I have read very few blogs before and came across an old friend who promotes her life and her photography. And she is absolutely amazing. Her personality, her photography, her love, her life. It inspired me to have the same amount of love, life, fun, humor within myself.

And reading random peoples thoughts I never knew how poetic so many people were. I loved to write when I was younger, and used to think I was pretty good. Now, after reading so many beautiful pages, I see how lacking my thoughts are.

Blogging can't be all bad if in one day it can inspire me in so many ways.

How does blogging inspire you?

Still sad but now I am angry...

When all this went down I was first just depressed and overly upset, but I talked to my sister a couple days ago and now I am pissed. She still talks to Michael because of Leanne, and I def. still want Ben to be in their lives ( I don't want him to lose 1/2 his family). But she told me Michael left out quiet a bit of the story (surprise surprise) and told her that I just wanted to be Ben's friend.

Okay maybe not that far from the truth. I morely wanted to start telling Ben exactly what I am to him but that I basically choose him and that's why I love him so much, but technically I am not his real mom and that is why he has to be with daddy most of the time. I still wanted it to be like family but maybe more of like an aunt.

But then it really hit me, when my mom, sister and I are pretty much in agreement that if I were to pay Michael then he would let me see him.

And that is not right. I have done so much for Ben and Michael, (before, during and even after the divorce). The money is not the issue, I wouldn't have a problem paying for his after school care (IN FULL) but I shouldn't have to. And if I did it would still feel like Michael had it over my head. And he would continue using Ben to get to me, and that is just not right.

So basically I feel like my only choice is still to stay away. It kills me because it is summer and I had so many things I wanted to do with him (#1 was have him give me away on the most happiest day of my life: my wedding) and now My happy day will still be happy but I know my heart will be missing him.

A Good Weekend

So Jon and I knew we wanted to go away for the weekend so Friday after work we wrote four places on a slips of paper to draw from a hat: St. Louis, Memphis, Chattanooga and Little Rock. I drew St. Louis and after I found out it was 6 hours away, I quickly picked again. MEMPHIS.

Now, that day I was in a horrible mood. I didn't talk to anyone and I was just so depressed, my co-workers have never seen me like that (which is a good thing because growing up I was a very depressed person).

So, I wanted to get out of town but at the same time I still wasn't a happy person. Typically I don't love driving as much as Jon does, but after about 30 mins of driving I was feeling much better.

So we get to our hotel at around 9 or so and catch a cab to Beile St. It was crazy, people all over the street, drinking and having a good old time. There were a bunch of kids tumbling in the street. We ate at Hard Rock (my first time since middle school) and i had a Burger with Lettuce and Onion (for anyone that knows me they know that is Crazy that I don't have it plain with only ketchup and mustard).

So Jon buys me this drink that is almost as tall as him and we go dance and take pictures at one of the clubs, and almost got married since it was 6/7/08. Thank God we didn't.

We caught the same cab back, I can't remember his name but his girl said her name was "Miss Piggy" now that was just the funniest thing to me.


We got up early the next morning (why do I always get up earlier on hung over mornings than any other) and went to the zoo.

I have been to our Nashville Zoo a couple of times but the Memphis Zoo was the first time that I have felt sorry for the animals.

We then went to Graceland, where we had to pay $8.00 to park, which I thought was ridiculous... Well not as ridiculous as the $37.00 ticket to take one tour. Well, we turned right around and left. So, we paid $8.00 to park for 5 minutes.

Then we headed to Tunica.

Now I have never gambled before and for those who know me well I am a tight wad. But I was up for it. Well, I got pretty frustrated because it wasn't making much sense and Jon couldn't really explain it to me. And then I just kept noticing I would put $20 and push a button and my money would slowly go to nothing.

Now I understand I really didn't know what I was doing, but still. Anyway, so we lost about $200 in probably less than an hour. We had dinner and were back in the room by probably 8:00.

Luckily Jon can't contain himself and when he went for breakfast he took his last $10 and won $200. We made the trip home. Jon went out of the way to go over the Mississippi River, so I could say I had seen it and that I had been to Arkansas.

We stopped at his parents house for a BBQ and swimming and I got a lot of sun. A little burnt but I have been much worse.

So, Thank you Jon for getting me out of the house and giving me another memory.

Weekends don't work.... for him

So, this past week was a very tough week. 10x tougher then going through the divorce. First off it was Mother's day on Sunday and I had Ben calling during the week and that made me just miss him even more.

I told Michael that I would like to see Ben every other weekend and for him to stay with him during the week, so Ben can have a more stable living situation to help with his school behavior. Well he informed me that every other weekends are for "dead beat dads and for Bitches that treat the fathers like shit"

That's when I told him that I guess we will never come up with a solution and nothing else can be done.

This whole thing makes me soooo sad because I have always been there for Ben because I always wanted to do what was best for Ben, no matter how hard it was to deal with Michael. And even me going to just weekends in my eyes is still what is best for Ben. More stable for him but at the same time he doesn't think I just abandoned him.

But this way he was just taken away from me without me even being able to say good bye and have him being told God knows what.

Everyones says I have made impression and that he will always remember me but that doesn't help the pain or stop the tears.

I think I am done...

Last night was the last straw. Michael and I got in yet another "text" message fight that actually turned into a phone call. It all started when Lauren called me to try and get a hold of Michael. And after words with him I realized that I will never be able to adopt Ben and that Lauren will never be completely out of the picture. I had to deal with her when I was married to him but I'll be damned if I have to deal with her craziness now.

Some other things were said and done through out the night that I would rather keep out of the internet world but as of right now I am no longer in Ben's life and I am heart broken. I don't know what will come in the following weeks, but I can't take anymore of this.

Engaged

I never thought I would be in love so soon after getting a divorce let alone being engaged. But I am happier than I have ever been. And surprisingly not scared at all. In the beginning I was a little worried that it was too soon. But now the fear is now replaced by the antsy anticipation. (like a kid waiting for Christmas in July). It's funny because I loved him after a week and a half. And held myself back from proposing myself after only a month and a half. The funny part was while I was telling myself in my head not to ask him to marry me the very next second he asked me to marry him. (yes, he was intoxicated- but like I have always said your true feelings come out while under the influence. And I thought it a big coincidence that we both had the same feelings at the same time)

So we knew we were going to get married and the day it would be and even where it would be before we were even engaged.

And it worked out perfect because he actually proposed where we are going to get married. Centennial Park. I was completely surprised, which has always been my dream that I thought would never be possible.

My ring is amazing and often find myself staring at the sparkle it leaves behind.

The wedding plans are going smoothly and my determination to keep it nice, simple, inexpensive and stress-free is currently on track. I am determined not to let it get out of hand. The most important thing for me is to have a wonderful day marrying the one I love. I don't care how nice the table cloths (i am sorry "linens") are, or who sits next to who.

It feels like it is going fast but I still feel like it is forever away, when truely its only 5 months.

While I don't hope for rain, I would still be just as happy if it happened to rain, because I am so confident and happy with this choice in I know I can make a rainbow out of a raincloud

Me = Adorkable

So, I thought I would try the whole blogging thing. While thinking about what I could say about my past, I think its better just to start fresh and not look back. So I think I'll make this blog all about when my life started as "adorkable".

So I came up with the name "adorkable" for myself not even a year ago. It sprung from the fact that I have always concidered myself rather dork-like and that I have in the recent years finally seen myself as adorable. So alive came "adorkable". Little did I know that being adorkable would lead me to the start of a new life with the love of my life.

It was simple actually. On myspace I had named myself "Adorkable" for everyone to see and while it got some attention, it lead me to my current fiance' Jon. The rest is history.

I am going to focus this blog to all the memories, experiences and adventures that have and will occur just because of the simple word: Adorkable