Monday, August 18, 2008

Monkey me

I want to remember a small glimmer of light from the darkness I felt last night.

There is this little stuffed monkey I gave Jon for Valentines day because I call him my monkey. Well from my mother I have picked up the habit to make pets and stuffed animals carry on personalities. And when I am in a silly mood I have the monkey talk to Jon. Well, he absolutely hates it (which makes me sad) but doesn't keep me from doing it. He has even taken the monkey from me and thrown it across the room. Not in a mean way, In a way as if "ok, you have annoyed me enough"

We last night while I was trying to control myself from crying hestirically with my head buried in a pillow, Jon comes to lay down next to me and brings the monkey (which I assume is to just let me hold him) but he begins to give the monkey a personality. Which meant the world to me because I know how much he hates it when I do it to him.

And even with my constant sadness, he kept going letting me know that not only does my little monkey love me, but the big monkey loves me unconditionally.

Zombie is I

So, I don't know why I do this to myself. Ben was out of my life, but of course my first and strongest emotion is try to "fix" it. So I bring him back just to come over every other weekend. But that just doesn't work out. Whenever he is over I am stressed and depressed, and I have tried to change it. And I don't know why I feel and act the way I do. I am miserable. So, again I told Michael I can't do this anymore. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of putting Ben through this.

And I know that Michael will not let me have another chance (rightfully so, and I think that is the best). I know my heart will ache to try again once I forget why I did this in the first place. And I don't know if I will ever forgive myself or ever know if it is for the best. I feel like a horrible person but at the same time feel its for the best.

I don't know how or if I can tell my mom. I really feel like I can't even talk to her and feel like I should shut her out. I don't want to but at the same time I feel I need to.

This has been such a hard 2 years af my life. And the last 6 months have been the most emotional I think I have ever had. Which is sad because it is over shadowing the love I have for Jon. And that's not right.

I just want to run away with Jon and never look back.

I feel as if I am in a trance. I feel as if I need drugs to function or as if I am on drugs. I don't want to feel like this, and WILL NOT feel like this for long. Because this is a horrible feeling and I will not get sucked into such detrimental life habit.

I want to be that happy/strong person that I and my mother was so proud of.