I don't know about everyone else, but I am sick of the failing economy talk. Yes, I know. The economy SUCKS. I don't want to hear once again that the damn gas prices are going through the roof, or how food prices are too high or how global warming is getting worse or how next years crops are going to be shit.
All that talk is depressing. Its bad enough to be going through it and trying to get by but hearing about it all day long just makes it worse.
Tell me what I can do to make it better and I'll do it. But just don't tell me that it's bad, because I think we all have already gotten that memo!
Yes, hate is a strong word and I try to be like everyone else that tries not to hate people. And yes hating people does take up to much emotion, energy and life to someone(s) that obviously does not deserve your time. There have been a few in my life that came close (or possibly did cross the line) to hatred. But I have crossed way over that line now in a place I never thought I would be.
I hate you and you know why. Everything from the past, present and even the future has now been changed. I know I did things that hurt you and you did the same to me. Times in the beginning weren't that bad, but I don't remember any good times. I have not a single good thing to say about you. I made a mistake by being with you, but two good things came from such a horrible mistake.
Coming away with the knowledge never to make such a horrible mistake again, and him.
He is gone, but so are you. I had to make a hard decision to let him go, so much more than the one to free myself from you.
Yes, you made me out to be the bad guy for the decision I was forced to make. But what a stupid one you made because of green. It could've been different if you would've been different. You're a pathetic person for ending it because of green when you should have gotten it from your problem that created him.
But instead you took us from each other without our permission. You're the last one that should be making decisions; you never have done it on your own before.
Hate is a strong word and a strong emotion and it takes up too much energy and time form my life. And you have received too much of me, so I take it back. I no longer hate you because I do not love you. And I do not love you because I never did, because if I had I would never had hated you.
SCHWABs of SCHWAB segments are in my presence at work and I have SCHAWB nightmares. Nightmares about waking up to the horrible sound of SCHWABs playing and later that day reliving the same SCHWABs. Hearing about SCHWABs. Seeing SCHWABs. Being "stump"ED about SCHWABs and never understanding SCHWABs and the amount of SCHWABs consumed by the SCHWAB. Its clear to me now why it didn't work, you were all about the SCHWABs and I wanted nothing to do with your SCHWABs (or those SCHWABs)
So, I got rid of the SCHWAB and he took his SCHWABs with him. The nightmares have subsided with the release of the SCHWAB and his beloved SCHWABs. So Good-bye SCHWABs I will not be missing you.
Now I have no SCHWAB or SCHWABs in my life and I am loving the SCHWAB-FREE life.
SCHWABs(tons) of SCHWAB (sport) segments are in my presence at work and I have SCHAWB (sport) nightmares. Nightmare about waking up to the horrible sound of SCHWABs (sport shows) playing and later that day reliving the exact same SCHWABs (sport shows). Hearing about SCHWABs (sports). Seeing SCHWABs (sports). Being "stump"ED about SCHWABs (sports) and never understanding SCHWABs (sports) and the amount of SCHWABs (sports) consumed by the SCHWAB (ex, or insert a better suiting Insult). Its clear to me now why it didn't work, you were all about the SCHWABs (sports) and I wanted nothing to do with your SCHWABs (shit) (or those SCHWABs (sports))
So, I got rid of the SCHWAB (ex, or better suiting Insult) and he took his SCHWABs (sports) with him. The nightmares have subsided with the release of the SCHWAB (ex, or better suiting insult) and his beloved SCHWABs (sports). So Good-bye SCHWABs (sports) I will not be missing you.
Now I have no SCHWAB (ex, or better suiting insult) or SCHWABs (sports) in my life and I am loving the SCHWAB-FREE life.
I know blogging has been around awhile. I remember asking a friend years ago "What the hell is a blog"
I know more now and I was asked by my mother recently why I put so many things on the internet (good and bad) because there are so many perverts and bad people out there that could hurt you and could come into your life, why?
And I started to think the same thing, why do I do it. Why do I put things on here, because if I put the good, I also put the bad. Because the bad reminds me to be appreciative of the good, but i don't want the bad to be held against me by someone that has no business being in my thoughts.
I had almost taken myself out of it.
I have read very few blogs before and came across an old friend who promotes her life and her photography. And she is absolutely amazing. Her personality, her photography, her love, her life. It inspired me to have the same amount of love, life, fun, humor within myself.
And reading random peoples thoughts I never knew how poetic so many people were. I loved to write when I was younger, and used to think I was pretty good. Now, after reading so many beautiful pages, I see how lacking my thoughts are.
Blogging can't be all bad if in one day it can inspire me in so many ways.
When all this went down I was first just depressed and overly upset, but I talked to my sister a couple days ago and now I am pissed. She still talks to Michael because of Leanne, and I def. still want Ben to be in their lives ( I don't want him to lose 1/2 his family). But she told me Michael left out quiet a bit of the story (surprise surprise) and told her that I just wanted to be Ben's friend.
Okay maybe not that far from the truth. I morely wanted to start telling Ben exactly what I am to him but that I basically choose him and that's why I love him so much, but technically I am not his real mom and that is why he has to be with daddy most of the time. I still wanted it to be like family but maybe more of like an aunt.
But then it really hit me, when my mom, sister and I are pretty much in agreement that if I were to pay Michael then he would let me see him.
And that is not right. I have done so much for Ben and Michael, (before, during and even after the divorce). The money is not the issue, I wouldn't have a problem paying for his after school care (IN FULL) but I shouldn't have to. And if I did it would still feel like Michael had it over my head. And he would continue using Ben to get to me, and that is just not right.
So basically I feel like my only choice is still to stay away. It kills me because it is summer and I had so many things I wanted to do with him (#1 was have him give me away on the most happiest day of my life: my wedding) and now My happy day will still be happy but I know my heart will be missing him.
So Jon and I knew we wanted to go away for the weekend so Friday after work we wrote four places on a slips of paper to draw from a hat: St. Louis, Memphis, Chattanooga and Little Rock. I drew St. Louis and after I found out it was 6 hours away, I quickly picked again. MEMPHIS.
Now, that day I was in a horrible mood. I didn't talk to anyone and I was just so depressed, my co-workers have never seen me like that (which is a good thing because growing up I was a very depressed person).
So, I wanted to get out of town but at the same time I still wasn't a happy person. Typically I don't love driving as much as Jon does, but after about 30 mins of driving I was feeling much better.
So we get to our hotel at around 9 or so and catch a cab to Beile St. It was crazy, people all over the street, drinking and having a good old time. There were a bunch of kids tumbling in the street. We ate at Hard Rock (my first time since middle school) and i had a Burger with Lettuce and Onion (for anyone that knows me they know that is Crazy that I don't have it plain with only ketchup and mustard).
So Jon buys me this drink that is almost as tall as him and we go dance and take pictures at one of the clubs, and almost got married since it was 6/7/08. Thank God we didn't.
We caught the same cab back, I can't remember his name but his girl said her name was "Miss Piggy" now that was just the funniest thing to me.
We got up early the next morning (why do I always get up earlier on hung over mornings than any other) and went to the zoo.
I have been to our Nashville Zoo a couple of times but the Memphis Zoo was the first time that I have felt sorry for the animals.
We then went to Graceland, where we had to pay $8.00 to park, which I thought was ridiculous... Well not as ridiculous as the $37.00 ticket to take one tour. Well, we turned right around and left. So, we paid $8.00 to park for 5 minutes.
Then we headed to Tunica.
Now I have never gambled before and for those who know me well I am a tight wad. But I was up for it. Well, I got pretty frustrated because it wasn't making much sense and Jon couldn't really explain it to me. And then I just kept noticing I would put $20 and push a button and my money would slowly go to nothing.
Now I understand I really didn't know what I was doing, but still. Anyway, so we lost about $200 in probably less than an hour. We had dinner and were back in the room by probably 8:00.
Luckily Jon can't contain himself and when he went for breakfast he took his last $10 and won $200. We made the trip home. Jon went out of the way to go over the Mississippi River, so I could say I had seen it and that I had been to Arkansas.
We stopped at his parents house for a BBQ and swimming and I got a lot of sun. A little burnt but I have been much worse.
So, Thank you Jon for getting me out of the house and giving me another memory.
is loud and quiet, simple and complicated, caring with a touch of meanness and can be a hot head. I am strong but can be emotional. I am a lover and a hater. There are people that I can't live without and people I could do with out. I have made mistakes but I truely believe in destiny. I am naive about many things but I am open minded and open hearted. I am loved and hated. I am Beautiful and damaged. I am me and that is all I can be.